I'm bitter and afraid. The darkness is my life.
I've sinned from youth on upward, I've walked the path of strife.
I broke when I was younger, When my teachers I believed,
Who hate You, and all You are, and wanted to hurt me.
They thought I would abandon You, When I was in the night.
I wish to say that they were wrong, But sadly, they were right.
It wasn't too much torture then, Before I gave up faith.
I threw away all hope in you, When fear of flesh o'er came.
I participated in rituals for power and success.
I even revelled in my lusts, for power of the flesh.
I even did the worst to man that ever could be done.
It's too much for me to think about, it makes me want to run.
It's easier to place the blame on others before me,
But I know well these lies I've told don't help me to be free.
My life's worst fear, dear God I say, is that I am not forgiven,
For I deserve the darkness, fire, shame, and hell be-ridden.
So I continue on in hatred, pain, and self-unforgivness;
My heart is black and stubborn in its hopeless black bitterness.
Dear God, if I approached Thee in a very humble way;
Could You ever show me mercy for the choices I have made?
Or will You try to punish me and send me back to hell?
I wonder what you'll do to me because of how I fell.
But Lord here all this time I've prayed, and you have let me stay,
You haven't looked away from me, or made me feel afraid.
What is this soft look you extend to me, that relieves me of my pain?
What is this mercy that you show, what from it do you gain?
Is this because you love me, even though I've badly sinned?
Are you prepared to pay my price of hell to let me live?
They say You already paid it, because you really care.
I've even heard You care so much You've numbered all my hair.
Dear God, if you so love me, and extend this love to me,
Do you think I can accept it when a sinner I have been?
Will others hate me that I've hurt, or will they understand;
That I never meant to hurt them, I was just abused and programmed.
If I do not have faith today because of all my sorrow,
Do you think I could receive it if I pray again tomorrow?
Dear God as you forgive me, and bring me to the light,
Please heal the darkness in my friends, please give their blindness sight.
For those who taught me wickedness, I love them; as do You;
Oh Father please forgive them, for they know not what they do.
_by Julie Bucker