A vision opened into my mind's eye. I saw myself as a little 7 year old girl, bound in chains and darkness. I was innocent, it was not my fault I was bound, nevertheless, Satan had bound me just the same. Then I saw Jesus come over and talk with me. I was protected from Satan while He came and talked with me. He started talking, but my 25 year old brain was not allowed to hear. It just realized Jesus was talking to the 7 year old me and explaining everything to her. After Jesus finished talking with me, I saw Jesus help me take off the chains and take me out of the darkness and we went horseback riding together. Then we went and had milkshakes. I realized that Jesus was my best friend.
Then the 7 year old me came to myself now as a 25 year old, and started talking to me. She said, "It is okay, Julie, everything is okay. Thank you for protecting me, but I am really okay now. If you had to go back and do it again, you would let it all happen the same way. You knew that this would allow you to develop perfect faith in Jesus Christ. You have a very strong will and though you went through a hard thing, every time you were angry at God you repented and you never stopped obeying Him. You have a perfect will that not only sexual abuse could break.
You look at yourself and your mistakes you are making in this process of healing and think you are doing awful, but God sees you and is winning bets off of you. He says, "Look at Julie, look at her strong will. Satan can tempt her all he wants, and yet she still prays to Me, she still looks to Me for help. Pay up, Satan, you have lost again. Nothing you can do can break her will because every time she messes up she repents and Jesus won that bet as well. So it is perfectly fair for her to mess up if she repents it still counts as a win. So pay up, Satan."
I can see Satan and all his anger as I yet again turn to the Lord to save me from overwhelming temptation.
I also see how much life is like a sports game. I think of football, and in life's football game, if you fumble, you can time out, repent, go back and do the play again. This time keeping the ball. As long as you decide to go back and do the play right, you can. This is what the atonement of Jesus does for us. It allows us to keep going back and repenting until we get it right; it allows us to learn. If we utilize this, we can win the game, but if we try to win on our own, we will lose. I also saw that in my case, the refs had been unfair to me, and allowed Satan the advantage. But I am still going to win the game and ultimately Satan will pay for cheating.
Jesus saves me each and every time. It is hard to realize I have come to the end of my reasoning skills and I need a higher power. But Jesus keeps helping me and when I mess up, He atoned for me so I can just repent and keep going. I am still learning to accept the truth but I will get there, I will get to the point where I accept Jesus has been my number 1 friend every day of my whole entire life. I will know it in my spiritual mind and my physical brain.
You know, actually I do. I accept Jesus as my number 1 friend every day my whole entire life and I accept this now.