I was a very spiritual person growing up. I was very close to my Father in Heaven. I talked to him daily. I have always felt very close to Him. I have written about Him almost daily in my journals, about how much I loved Him.
In 2013, I started reading about Satanic Ritual abuse. Now, I had suffered from mental illness, and was particularly going through another episode of depression. I was a young mother, and my friend gave me a book on how to heal from Dissociative Identity Disorder. Well, when my friend gave me this book into my hands, in my mind's eye, Jesus appeared with these words to me. He said, "Pick up the cross."
Well, after reading about it, I KNEW this was what the true cause for my depression was. I just knew. I didn't have any memories come up yet, but I knew with every fiber of my being that this book was describing me to the letter. I knew that satanic ritual abuse was the real cause for my depression, and that seeking out healing through looking at myself as having Dissociative Identity Disorder was the absolute correct path I was to follow. In fact, our church, we receive blessings as teenagers to direct us in our life. One thing my blessing had said, that I received at age 13, was that I would NEVER doubt as to the path I was to follow, and that I had a personal mission. I KNEW without a doubt that healing from satanic ritual abuse was my path that I was to follow, it was my personal mission.
Soon, I had my memories being to come up from Satanic Ritual Abuse. During this time, when I was just discovering my other personalities, and my memories and flashbacks of the abuse were occurring regularly, I thought I was going crazy. I asked my husband for a blessing by the laying on of hands. In it, Jesus told me that I was to go on a journey to become single minded, because as I was, I was double minded.
It wasn't long before my memories started coming up in full force at night, and my alternate personalities started connecting up with my main personality. These personalities were much different than my typical, Christian, Christ-loving front personalities that I 'grew up' with. As these dark memories came up, my love for my Father in Heaven went stale. I still believed in Him, but I could not longer trust Him. How could He have let all of this happen to me, and worst of all, not even tell me about it, until I was grown up of course! I had multiple personalities, some of which would have literally crucified Jesus if they had the chance. I would sit in my closet and scream obscenities to God, to Jesus, about how horrible he was, how he did not save me, how he let me suffer as a little girl, how he let me get rapped and tortured on a daily basis, and how I wanted to kill Him.
Meanwhile, my personalities that loved Jesus, would quietly come out and say, 'I am so sorry, Jesus. I am so sorry." But, they had nothing to say to my back personalities. I couldn't tell them to have faith in Jesus. After all, where was Jesus? Why didn't He stop this horrible abuse? So now, that my dark personalities came forward and shared their part of my life's story with my 'denial' personalities that trusted in Jesus, my 'denial' personalities didn't have a way of converting my back personalities.
In 2013, Bischop Crockett stood up and said that if we are going to serve the Lord, we have to serve Him 100%, we must be all in. We cannot just serve the Lord 98%, and leave a toe out of the door, or a foot out of the door. We have to believe in Him with all of us, we have to determine to serve us with all of us. While part of me knew this was true, I also felt resigned. It was just impossible for me to trust Jesus any more.
At one point, I asked my husband to give me a blessing, by the laying on of hands. During this blessing, my husband was giving me, I saw Jesus in my mind's eye. I saw Jesus kneeling before me, in the most humble position, and gently look up to me. He asked me if I could trust Him. Immediately, my spirit jerked back. I was filled with horror. There was NO way I could trust Him. I felt rejected and abandoned by Him. I would not receive Him into my heart. EVER. At that point, my husband in the blessing said the words, "Receive the Spirit of Trust. I bless you with a TRUSTING SPIRIT." At that point I felt a real spirit enter my body. I felt it because it was different than I. I was a poor, sorry, little thing. This spirit, had a peace about it. I felt bound by it's peace. It's power forced me to be calm. It stayed with me for several hours. For the first time in my back personalities, I experienced what if felt like to be able to trust. These personalities had never been able to trust anyone before. It was a new experience. Nevertheless, it was not one I could hold onto. I continued to have hatred for what Jesus allowed to have happen to me.
I literally was split minded. I was completely doubled minded. Time went on. Some of my personalities were healed. MAny of them were healed. But there was still a very prominent, 5 year old (now 21) year old that was lost. In fact, one time I had a dream, and I was on the phone with Heavenly Mother. She was giving me a therapy call. She said, "You have a part of you that is LOST." I said, "I know." And hung up the phone. It is 2015 and I am still double minded, even though I know that that abuse was not my fault and that Jesus did want to heal me, and had sent me many miracles to heal me as much as I have so far.
One time, driving home from the gym, I began to break down. I cried to Heavenly Father, and said, 'you know, all my life, I have had a conviction that good will win, that right will win out. For the first time, I am beginning to doubt." You see, I had tried so hard with my Christian parts to be strong, and keep trusting in Jesus, but the more dark my other parts were, that I had to face, the more I started to question my own faith. I got to the point where I admitted to God that I didn't know if I could keep the faith through all of this darkness. For the first time, I saw that it was possible that my faith would fail me.
I pushed through anyway. I pushed and pushed and pushed. I pushed through the suicide programs, I pushed through the horrific memories that came up of me participating in rituals, I pushed through the memories of the abortions, of having my own children be baked in the oven, of all the mind control programs, including many suicide programs. I pushed through them all. I continued to trust in Jesus Christ, I would not give up, I would not let the bad guys succeed in making me want to commit suicide or do what they say. Then even were in a position to kill me when I told them I would no longer participate in the cult, and they let me go. They did not kill me. I wonder why. I wonder if God protected me, because I have to tell my story to others. I think God wanted to use me. Anyhow, for whatever reason, I did not die, and none of the suicide programs worked.
But my faith was failing nonetheless. I called one of my good Christian friends one day to find comfort and help. Well, she told me, "Julie, we chose the trials we would go through before we came here." And when she said that, I just about had it. There is NO way at that time I could have every accepted that I chose to go through the hell I have been through. It was like the final nail in the coffin. I just couldn't believe the Christian nonsense anymore. There is no way I would be taking responsibility for choosing the trials I have been through.
Well, here we are in 2017, and I have endured and pushed through so long, with my faith flying behind me attached by a thread. Every week on Sunday at church, my inner demons would snarl at being at church. One time, I had to teach a relief society lesson, and I went into the mother's room to get in control, because my back personalities were snarling like an animal at the idea of preaching about Jesus. I was able to get them under control, but you understand the type of civil war that was going on inside me.
Well, a friend came into my life. He was able to help me and I trusted him. It was like, I knew him from before. I just knew him from before and I trusted him. He was not really all that much of a Christian either, and I could relate to him. I think that is where the magic was, because up unto this point, I had surrounded myself with believers, and none of them could relate to me. But, God brought a friend into my life that I could relate to, as far as my unbelief was concerned. And, I knew, that by loving him, I would be able to love these dark parts of myself that did not love Jesus. I just knew that was the way. And it worked. By receiving love from my friend, I was finally able to feel God's love for me. It wasn't that I had to believe in Jesus, it was; that I was loved by Jesus, just the way this friend loved me, and just the way I loved this friend, even though he wasn't a huge believer.
So, finally, the walls in my heart started to crack. I was able to see that though I hated Jesus, Jesus still loved me, just like this friend loves me, and just like I loved this friend. And, you know what happens when you put a small hole in the dam, it all comes crashing down. It is hard for me to explain, but I was starting to get sore again, and bring up all the reasons why I couldn't heal and couldn't be loved, and was ready to go on the attack about the injustice in the world, and my friend came up and put his arms around me and just started singing love songs to me. And, I felt like this cracking in my back, like a spiritual cracking. Like all the hardness in me, that would never receive love, just started opening up and the love came through.
Then, I read what I believe it was a story on z3news by James Bailey, and this story preached to us, that we have to, again, like what I was taught in 2013, we have to be all in. We cannot be 98 percent in for God, and leave 2 percent out. We have to be 100 percent for God. It also said that God cannot do in us what we don't allow Him to do. Just like the cross kills the flesh, we have to allow God to finish His work in us. Well, I recognized that all these years, I still had saved out my 2%. I was not in 100 percent. I realized that in order to completely heal, I had to be in 100%. I had stopped going to cult rituals and stopped being a part of their evil. But, I still didn't trust Jesus Christ as my Savior.
So, I prayed. And I was sobbing. I was sobbing and sobbing and sobbing, because of how hard it was for me to say these words. So even though I was sobbing and it was so difficult, I said the words, "God, please finish in me, what you have begun. Please finish the work of the cross in me. Please do for me what I cannot do for myself." God had told me before that I lacked faith, many times. I knew it was true. I admitted it was true. I admitted I didn't have faith in His plan for me, but I asked Him to do it for me.
Well, one day, I found a meditation by Michael Seeley, on connecting with your Inner child. So, I saw that and felt drawn to it. After doing it, during the mediation, I was able to see how the painful experiences I have had throughout my childhood really did make me into the person I am today. I finally started to accept the perspective that I really did, with my Father in Heaven, and with my Savior Jesus Christ, make the choice to come to earth and experience the difficulties I had in order to become the person I want to become.
I also one day flipped open the book of Stones, and under the stone "Moldavite" it said, to imagine Jesus Christ, how His was the example of complete trust in the Divine. As I read that, in my mind's eye; I could see Jesus on the cross. I could feel His complete trust in His Father's will. I could feel the quiet strength that Jesus had because He was willing to say 100%, "Thy Will be done." And, it touched me.
I still don't feel particularly strong in being able to face these things in my life. But, I am learning to trust again in Jesus Christ. I know He has allowed me to go through Satanic Ritual Abuse because it has helped me become the person I am now.
I do have a gift, and that is; I am able to transmute negative energy. Most people, when confronted with evil spirits, will try to cast them out. That is necessary sometimes. But, because I have had to transmute so many of my dark parts to the light, I have the ability to transmute certain dark spirits just by my own experience of transmuting my dark personalities. So, I know it is possible to change bad energy into good energy, and I am able to do just that sometimes, when confronted with evil spirits or such. So that gift is a direct benefit from the evils I have experienced in my life. In fact, in a vision given to my mind's eye, I was shown myself sitting at a banquet in Heaven, and I was wearing a beautiful wedding dress. Now, when I looked down at my shoes, they were red, symbolizing sin and evil. Well, those shoes were removed, and replaced with white sandals, each having a large diamond on the toe. I knew that this was a symbol of my gift of being able to walk into hell in order to rescue people, because of the experiences I have been through.
I know I am still in the middle of my life's journey, and I still have a lot to learn in terms of my faith and how to grow. But what I used to be bad at; which is trusting in the Lord, I hope I am becoming good at now. Jesus truly LOVES us with UNCONDITIONAL love. Even if we hate Him, even if we were to want to kill Him, He would still love us. He is continually knocking at the door to our hearts. May we open that door, and be grateful for the lives we have, no matter how difficult they may be. Because, something good will happen soon, if we just have faith. And, the journey is so much easier if we trust the Lord. Give him 100% of yourself, and when the going gets tough, you will be blessed with a quiet strength and peace that is beyond the trials this world can give.