One morning as I woke up from another dream I tried to ignore as a I woke up, I had the specific words from the Lord come to my mind, "Pay attention to your dreams." Hmmmm, interesting, because this was the second instruction I had received recently. The first commandment was after a prayer to lose weight. I stood up from my prayer and the words were, "Get emotionally healthy."
It was not long after that I ran into a book from a friend about emotional healing. It was entitled, "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die." Now, half of me thought this was ridiculous, but another part of me really resonated with the truths in this book. After a few months of convincing, I started applying the concepts of the book. I started to get in touch with my feelings.
It wasn't too long before I realized my dreams about the boy I used to like were trying to teach me that I still needed to grieve that he didn't like me and to turn to the Savior, who never rejects me, to heal my delicate and bruised ego.
Well, It seems like the story has a happy ending. Little did I know I was just at the beginning of the road.
The next several months became a long process of realizing that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder, meaning, when I was a child, I was sexually abused and because I was young (six or seven) I split into different personalities in order to cope with it. I consciously had no memory or awareness of this, but I was able to discover through talking with a therapist that I had 5 different parts that split off from my main personality. I also had the memory come back and I relived the splitting part, where part of me was on the ceiling spinning around while the other part of me suffered the abuse. Guess which part split off? My left brain, the part that talks. The part that feels, the right brain, experienced the trauma but could not use words to communicate that, only feelings. So while most of my life I have accepted that something was wrong with me and I have had depressive episodes, I never realized it was because part of me suffered some trauma that needed to be nurtured and loved and healed. One day I opened up the scriptures to the words ("We Are Legion.") I was scared and freaked out, because I know the Lord pretty well, well enough to know that He was telling me to get to work on getting these demons out of me.
You see, If your spirit splits in half, guess who gets to enter in? Evil spirits. This is why sexual relations are so destructive when out of the sanctity of marriage. Elder Holland has a great talk about how sexual abuse is the abuse of the soul, and the soul is spirit and body combined. You can read this talk entitled "Personal Purity" on lds.org. (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/10/personal-purity?lang=eng&query=Elder+Jeffrey+R.+Holland+of+souls+symbols+sacraments+Jeffry)
Last night I just had a demon leave. This is the second time it has happened in this way, and the Lord has allowed it to happen in such a way that I knew exactly what was going on. I believe demons can be cast out without the knowledge of the host, and that has happened to me a lot, but this guy was pretty ingrained into my spirit, and this time I definitely knew what was going on.
I was dreaming, and woke up "in the spirit." In other words, I had ultra awareness through extra sensory perception beyond the five senses. I was completely aware of the pressure in my chest, which earlier I had put my hand on and pulled it out in the name of Jesus, also inviting any demons inside of me to accept the atonement. I visualized in my mind's eye putting my hand on the monster and saying "A way has been provided for you to feel God's love again, through the atonement of Jesus Christ." That must have been the clicker, for in Proverbs 25: 21-22 states, "If thine enemy be hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he be thirsty, give him water to drink: For thou shalt heap coals of fire upon his head, and the Lord shall reward thee."I don't think this monster wanted to be a part of me anymore, for I am learning to fully accept God's love for me and to feel it with every cell of my body. So it was time for this self-hating monster to leave.
As I said, I woke up in the spirit, aware that I did not have a lot of control over my soul, but this demon monster did. It was ghoulish and green and scary, kind of like the grinch. While I was scared, Heavenly Father's voice was there and I knew He was with me so I would be okay. Heavenly Father told me to lift my hand and command it to leave. I couldn't lift my hand. I cried, "Robert" several times, but I was in the spirit and my flesh made no sound. I kept patiently trying to lift my hand, wishing I had obeyed the prompting to fall asleep with my arm raised by my head, but I hadn't. This ghoulish creature moved up into my face and forced my lips (again, not in flesh but spirit) into a devilish grin. It was scary but again I knew I would be okay. As I continued to follow the Holy Ghost in commanding it to leave in Jesus Name, it finally departed, and I was left to ponder the miracle of what had just happened and its implications.
For one thing, I immediately knew that it was this demon that was responsible for many clumsy things I did. For example, when I am by myself I often spill my cup of water or milk, and when it happens I usually wonder what is going on because I knew in some sense that I had lost control of my body for a split second. I now know that it was that demon imposing its will on me. I was grateful to know that that was all the power it really had over my physical body. I am sure that Heavenly Father has protected me in many ways.
I expect to have an easier time serving God now that the bugger is gone. But it is a journey and it just takes one day at a time.
I know I have learned these spiritual lessons because I was baptized by water and the spirit, and have been given the holy ghost by one with authority from Jesus Christ. If you would like to learn more about my church, you can chat with missionaries at mormon.org
May the Lord keep you and bless you.