Robert and I went for a car ride to put the kids to sleep. I asked Heavenly Father to help me, as He has a 100% track record of helping me when I remember to just pray and ask for help. Along the drive some visualizations started coming to me from the Holy Spirit that helped me find joy. This is how it went:
I saw myself locked in a cave, with a gate over the opening. I had locked myself in, and thrown the key out of the gate so I could never get out again. I realized I did this as a child when I was too young to know that it was not my fault I was sexually abused and I had done it to protect myself. I felt very sad and just trapped.
I had to just sit with this thought for a couple of minutes and realize that I had purposely put a block between me and happiness.
Then, I saw the 25 year old me split off from the child and walk into the darkness of the cave to find another opening to get out while the child part of me stayed behind. I found an opening and walked around to where the gate was, and looked for the key that I had thrown away. I found the key. The Holy Spirit told me that this key was entitled, "self love." I walked over to the child that was inside that gate and handed her the key of self love.
She took the key, but still didn't want to use it to come out. The older me told her that it is okay, and that it is her choice if she wants to come out or not. After a few minutes, she unlocked the gate and came out. I set her on my lap and told her I loved her, but she did not want to become united with me yet.
At this point in time the Savior came over to the little girl and picked her up and put her on His shoulders, and walked with her a few steps away, and then got her down and held her. During this time, I physically cried as I released all the pain that I had from believing that it wasn't safe to love myself. Now I released it because that child felt safe now.
It was then made clear to me that there was an evil spirit holding me back from being able to feel completely better. So I saw a fire of unconditional love and cast the evil spirit into it, saying, "The Lord Jesus is my Master now, you are no longer needed to keep me safe anymore. I have Jesus to keep me safe and in the name of Jesus Christ my Master I command you to depart."
After repeating this and working at my trust in the Lord, the evil spirit went away into the fire of unconditional love and disappeared. Then the Lord took the child part of me back to the main part of me where I welcomed her with outstretched arms. She then joined into me and became one with me.
At this point it became clear to me that part of why I had been trapped and feeling uncomfortable with the idea of being happy is because I had a connection in my brain where happiness and not feeling safe had been experienced together because of the orgasm that happened during the sexual abuse. So I literally felt like it was unsafe to be happy. Now I realized that this was untrue and it is totally safe and okay to feel happy.
I had to repeat this whole picture 2 more times, with a part of me that felt like it was unsafe to be free and a part of me that felt like it was unsafe to go through puberty. So I repeated the process with those 2 parts and got to a point of feeling secure and at the end of my processing for the time being.
I know that the Holy Spirit was able to help me see what my problems were. At first, the things God had told me in the blessing were hard on me, but I was humble and faithful and asked for help, and like always, God helped me climb out of the darkness of false beliefs and into the light.
If you pay attention to the words of the living prophets, you will find that many times in bearing their testimonies, they will mention "imaginary" scenes that play in their minds.
One example is under Mormon Messages on the mormon channel entitled, "Good Things to Come", where Jeffry R. Holland tells a story about a family. In the end of the scene, he explains that he spoke with the man in the story in his imagination. Some of the wording that he uses while bearing his testimony include: "I thought perhaps I saw on that side road" and "...just ahead of them I imagined I saw" and "...in that imaginary instant....". Jeffry R. Holland is showing us that the Holy Spirit was teaching him by leading him to imagine things a certain way. (http://www.mormonchannel.org/video/mormon-messages?v=911029449001&cid=HPFR103114546)
Another example is in the October 2014 General Conference talk by Cheryl Esplin entitled, "The Sacrament--a Renewal for the Soul" in which she explains how she pictures the Savior from a painting she knows with His arms outstretched towards her, and she imagines Him saying to her, "Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you..." from 3 Nephi 9:14 (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/10/the-sacrament-a-renewal-for-the-soul?lang=eng). Again, she is showing how the Holy Spirit is teaching her through words and pictures in her imagination.
The Holy Spirit certainly helped heal me today by bringing scenes to my mind and allowing me to interact with them in order to find the answers.
I testify that Jesus Christ holds all the keys to our healing and happiness, and that He is the Truth, the Way, and the Light.