Healing from sexual abuse is overwhelming at times. For me, my biggest issue is the conflict between knowing God is for me and good, and having such evil projections of men in my past. When I was a child, I had no clue about sex and men and had no idea what had happened to me. But my brain made associations that convinced me all men are bad.
This conclusion showed up in a recurring dream I often had as a child. In my dream, I would be in a warehouse and there would be huge scary powerful forklifts and cranes with cameras on them. The cameras on the iron machines would be looking for me. I would try to hide in the warehouse so they wouldn't come hurt me.
This dream was a perfect representation of my fear of men. I perceived that they were powerful, non-human machines that could run anything over that got in their way and there is no way to stop them. When God tells us to keep the commandments, you better bet I was panting my head off trying to keep them, because He would run me over if I didn't.
I have been trying to undue these false beliefs. I finally came to the point where my healing was stalled because I hated men so much I was not willing to accept the atonement for lack of faith in Jesus. Luckily, I was still praying and crying to God in my closet and was inspired to ask Robert for a priesthood blessing. Knowing my needs, God quickly came to my aid and blessed me with a Trusting spirit. I felt the presence of a stronger spirit with me that had the ability to trust men. Because I certainly did not.
After receiving this spirit, I was kind of at war with it. But when I was about to lose, I would cry out to God for help and it always came. It came in small increments so I still had to work and practice letting myself trust Jesus.
I was finally able to relive the abuse in a healthy way. This time, I knew Jesus was with Me. I felt His presence more than I have ever felt Him before. I felt Him Inside of me this time, when I suffered the abuse. The past five or so times this memory kept trying to express itself (in order for my split personalities to let my main personality gain awareness of them) I felt so much fear and craziness that it was too much for me and I had to stop and stuff it because it was destroying me.
This time, I felt sorrow in deed as it started bubbling up. But then, I started laughing! Oh wow, how different this time, instead of feeling like my soul was splitting in two, I was crying and and expressing grief, but also feeling that grief turn into joy, peace, comfort, safety and on and on. I felt joy. Jesus' joy. Jesus' joy was what I needed to accept the experience instead of being eternally afraid and bruised by it. He was truly amazing.
The next two days I was literally dizzy and even threw up because my brain was doing a major re-haul. I finally was able let all the trauma I had buried inside resurface because I was no longer afraid of it. I knew Jesus was with me and heck, we could even laugh together during it.
This is a gift I sorely needed. I knew what was wrong with me, but I needed Him to heal. But He couldn't heal me because I was too afraid to trust Him!
Today, I had a memory of when my husband and I found a little baby duckling in our yard. We rescued it and took it to the park where a lot of ducks consistently gathered. When we let the baby duckling into the flock of ducks, the female ducks were scared of it and started picking at it. Then, suddenly, a male duck swooped the females away, and protected the baby duckling with fierce authority. The duck was able to grow up safely with the flock, as I later observed.
God sent me this memory to show me what men are truly like. They are not strong evil devouring machines. They are like this male duck who saved the baby duck when other ducks were afraid. Men are good. Men are supposed to help us.
Of course, my associations will mean nothing to others. But, the point, is to start recognizing your own psychology and how the Holy Spirit is constantly talking to you and bringing to mind things to do to receive the light. And when it is overwhelming, just take one more trip to the closet and kneel down and pray. I know we have angels among us. We are loved more than we can know.
Julie T. Bucker
Is love stronger? Stronger than all other things? Whose side will you choose to be on?
Satanic Ritual Abuse