I was singing to my daughter as she fell asleep. Sometimes I make up my own simple tunes as I sing. Tonight, I was singing about my feelings and my yearnings to find God. I ended up singing about how if I could find Heavenly Father, I would love Him like a little girl loves her dad.
As I was singing, toward the end of my song, I was shown a flash of a vision of a six or seven year old me playing the piano and singing. I had the distinct impression that that was me in heaven. I continued to be taught by the Holy Spirit that Heavenly Father loved me so much, that He didn't want me to have to go completely away from Him. So He allowed me to be abused and let my spirit be pushed out of my body, in order to justify my being with Him. The abuse pushed my spirit away from my body enough that it was able to stay with God and not come completely into my body. It is an idiosyncrasy, in being unprotected from sexual abuse, I was protected from having to go completely through the veil at age 8. (It takes about 8 years of childhood before you become accountable to God, before that you are protected by grace). This allowed my spirit to stay with Heavenly Father instead of being completely through the veil and in my body.
Now that I have been on the earth for 25 years, I have a family of my own and my spirit is learning a few lessons. It is so wonderful to live with Heavenly Father, it really is, and it is normal to miss Him somewhat. But it is also normal and healthy to leave Him for a while in order to experience the joy of having a body and a family of my own. Now that I have a family of my own and my spirit is acclimating to the joy of having a body, my spirit is willing to work through my fears of the abuse (and my fears of leaving God--we don't really leave Him anyway it just seems like we do) and come completely 'through the veil' and into my body. I know that my therapist told me that repressed memories usually show up in your 30s because that is when your spirit and your body really settle down together.
For me, my fear of being without God was to the point of being incapacitated. It must be not unlike when you leave an 18 month old child with a baby sitter for the first time, and the child will not have it. I suppose I was still young in my attachment to God, and did not want to leave Him to go have a body and a family.I wasn't trying to fight Him, I just didn't want to leave Him. It was necessary for Him to devise a way where I could come have a body but where He could "hold me" for the first 25 years to ease me into it slowly so I would not be afraid of being without Him.
I think that there are a lot of people who felt that way. We are a strange little group of people. Loving God so much that we couldn't leave Him to become what He wanted us to become. So God fashioned up a way that we could still come to earth, and yet not 'leave' Him all the way, until we were completely ready.
I think some of us had this attachment to varying degrees. Every one I know who has been abused as a child has a close relationship with Heavenly Father. Knowing this does not make the abuse less painful or the healing process less challenging. It does however, for me, make it fair. Especially as I think of the mentally ill, who are not able to have full dominion over their bodies. Their bodies are not 'normal' and it is a very bitter cup for the part of them that is in their bodies; but in a way it is fair because their spirits are still with God.
God cannot make the abuse go away. In that sense He can't make it right. He can't change the past. But He can make it fair and He can change our perception of the past in a way that does make it right; at least for the time being. In the next life, I expect Him to 'wipe our tears away' as is mentioned will happen to the Saints in the book of Revelations 21:4.
Julie T. Bucker
Is love stronger? Stronger than all other things? Whose side will you choose to be on?
Satanic Ritual Abuse